Cat girl persecution
Today cat girls are often persecuted for their dietary habits and they face endangerment due to decreasing numbers of forests, adventurers, dungeons to hide in, kamikaze snowmen, and pirates. Most cat girls today hide in anime DVDs, in manga books, in outer space, in the livers of the mooses who rule under the dictatorship of Antarctica, at sci-fi or anime conventions, at Star Trek conventions, at Star Wars conventions, at star-shaped fork conventions, at stamp collecting conventions, at any other kind of convention, on the Internet, in the bodies of lawyers, in the bodies of highschool girls, in the bodies of Chick-Fil-A cow costume wearers, in the bodies of college football quarter backs, in the bodies of nerds who pretend to be adventurers by rolling dice and casting magic missile at the darkness, at furry conventions, and behind the sofa.
Note: Neko-chan habitatologists and quantum researchers have begun to speculate that cat girls may be found “behind the milk,” a realm that exists in a state of quantum unrest. However, since nobody ever looks there, no hard evidence has been found to prove or disprove this. This hypothesis is sometimes referred to as “Schrödinger’s Cat Girl”.
A handy chart for identifying different types of feline humanoids
Cat girls and furries
Most people don’t consider cat girls to be furry despite their definite feline traits and personality. Even furries generally exclude cat girls from their numbers[1]. This is probably because cat girls, unlike furries, are more monstrous than animal-like. To make this clear, furries want to wear fur suits while engaged in intercourse in order to become closer to the animal spirit inside of them, whereas cat girls, just like every other sexy critter to step foot in a dungeon, just want to eat you now and cough up fur balls later. There’s probably a deeper meaning here somewhere; we’ll get back to you when we figure it out[2]. Another reason furries exclude cat girls from their ranks may be that they are jealous of the pure awesomeness/cuteness of cat girls that furries can never hope to achieve; or, possibly, it’s because furries hate cat girls because of the occasional furry they lure into a sleazy back corner to devour.
Can cat girls use magic?
Yes, but most don’t have the attention span to, since spell component pouches closely resemble the dangly mouse toys with little jingly bells that cat girls play with, most cat girls think their staffs are scratching posts, and they spend too much time in magic academies napping all day. They also tend to get kicked out of magic academies and guilds for seducing all the guys and devouring them.
Most cat girls that use magic get blown up after some time once curiosity takes over and forces them to wonder what happens when you mix the spooky death-looking potion and the glowy green potion together, or when they push the big red button on the random magical item they found lying around.
Are there any male cat girls?
Yes, but most they are for the most part just nerds dressed up as cat girls and are therefore not of the same species. However, they’re not exactly considered human either, as being a male cat girl grants these nerds stat boosts similar to those that a cat girl has. They are the half-breeds. One should note that although fake cat guys aren’t disgustingly cute like cat girls, they are almost as dangerous. Thankfully, they are fewer in number than Dog Guys. Those things will REALLY fuck you up. Many male cat girls are epic level wizards and randomly cast magic missile at the darkness. As well, they know how to go Super Saiyan, are proficient with photon torpedoes, and they can recite quotes from Monty Python and Star Trek endlessly. Cat girls are still probably more dangerous though, since they’re just so cute! However the rare and elusive Cat Boy does exist but it takes years and years of training (or boobs) to lure him out of the dark corner he resides in.
If there aren’t any real males, how is the population maintained?
It is commonly misunderstood that since it’s impossible for there to be any real male cat girls, and fake male cat girls not being able to effectively impregnate females, they cannot reproduce. However, the cat girl population, just like the unlimited amount of monsters encountered through random battles, is able to maintain itself. Why? Because there ARE cat boys, although they are very few in number. Through scientific research, divine communication, and random speculation, scientists have discovered that the ratio of males to females in the cat girl population is inversely proportional to the ratio of male to female players in Runescape; that is, 1 male cat girl per 100. Even rarer of a treasure is footage of a consenting cat boy and cat girl copulating. Good luck finding this hentai delicacy though, as the legend says there is only one picture in existence. Because of the scarcity of true cat boys in the cat girl population, they are usually very protective of their males, often setting up side by side with the cat guys, adamantium fortresses complete with photon cannons, at least 5 squads of Protoss carrier ships, every single epic-level trap, a laser forcefield, 12 colossal red dragons, and a ninja midget (“Minja” for short) dressed up as Santa Claus. On top of this, the cat boys themselves compensate for their low numbers with incalculable combat and sexual strength, each males power equaling that of 100 cat girls, and each being able to impregnate just as many without taking a break. All authentic cat boys are level 420 Krav Maga brawlers and many already are, among other things, epic level mages, sith lords, serial killers, drug lords, and probably has a crew of about 20 females with him. Good fuckin luck if you want to try your hand at infiltrating the base!
Cat boys are, for the most part, nearly physically indistinguishable (not counting the penis, of course) from their more common female counterparts and are thus often mistaken for females. This is mainly due to real male cat girls adapting an androgynous appearance over history to protect their less common population of the species from the ever-growing threat of persecution by angry adventurers, lawyers, and møøses. However, anyone with a basic knowledge of the Japanese language can distinguish between the two in that to say the word “I”, cat boys and male cat girls alike use the word “boku” and females use the word “watashi”. The males can also be distinguished from the females in that male cat girls can pee standing up and use men’s restrooms. Because of their feminine appearances, however, many males are persecuted for using the wrong restroom.
Experts know that you’ll never hear a female cat girl say “boku” to refer to herself because the Japanese language strictly forbids female cat girls to say the word, and any that do say “boku” will explode immediately in a big puff of explodiness. However, male cat girls are allowed to say “watashi” since it is considered more polite than “boku” to refer to oneself in formal conversation. Why? Because it’s just sexist like that.
Hunting behavior differs in males as opposed to the females in that the male cat girls won’t try to seduce male prey; cat boys prefer to skip the fluffy wuffy cutesiness part and will go straight for your eyeballs. Of course, if their prey is seduced in mistaking them for a female anyways, they won’t let down a free meal.
It is considered racist to say that there are only female cat people. That’s right, it’s racist.
Can I become a cat girl?
No, don’t be retarded. But you can always pretend! It is possible to become a partial cat humanoid with the same stat bonuses, though. Just do the following:
* Learn at least the basics of Japanese.
* Go to your local costume store and buy cat ears and a cat tail. You may also choose to get furry gloves and shoes and add claws to them later. Wear this costume regularly and preferably in public.
* Stuff a bunch of socks in your shirt. (Any and all poachers and møøses will attack on sight, despite the fact that a single catboy could rip through their ranks. You, however, cannot. Because you suck. They will do anything to eliminate male cat girls to make the cat girl species extinct, for the sole purpose that they couldn’t be born a badass catdude that has sex 50 times a day.)
* Develop a taste for sushi and liver.
* Become a wizard and cast magic missile at random intervals for no good reason at all.
* say mew,nya,or nyu excessively after every sentence.
Ladies can’t become cat guys, but they can still dress up like cat girls and gain the same stat bonuses.
Other Breeds of Cat girl
100ft Giant Cat Girl Robot
If you use nuclear weaponry on a cat girl, they’ll turn into a giant robot and suffer no ill effects. Their immunity to radiation’s aftereffects is mainly due to the fact that radioactivity is easily seduced by cat girls and is likely to get its head bitten off by one, removing the radiation permanently and making the area safe again. Giant cat girl robots are pretty much just like cat girls, except they have eye lasers, they’re made of metal, they’re 102ft tall (despite their name saying 100ft), and their claws are armed with rapid-firing photon guns. Other than those minor details, however, 100ft tall giant cat girl robots are exactly the same as ordinary cat girls.
100ft giant cat girl robots are common in Tokyo where giant monsters and mechs are abundant and make up 5% of the city’s population. However, 100ft giant cat girl robots don’t usually get along well with the friendly giant monster civilians, and they have a penchant for getting into fights with them. The Power Rangers theme song plays in the background any time that there is a battle between a 100ft giant cat girl robot and a giant monster. In such a battle, the city in which the battle takes place inevitably gets reduced to rubble, there are tons of explosions, and somehow there are no civilian casualties other than adventurers the cat girl decides to snack on mid-battle. Exactly one day after a fight between a 100ft giant cat girl robot and a giant monster, the city will be spontaneously rebuilt as if there was no battle at all.
100ft giant cat girl robots are one of the leading causes of deaths among giants who have taken up adventuring as a hobby. To normal sized adventurers, 100ft giant cat girl robots aren’t as dangerous as normal cat girls since their size and mech appearance makes them more badass than cute, but for giants, a 100ft giant cat girl robot is just as cute as a normal cat girl. Thus, giants are easy and filling prey for 100ft giant cat girl robots.
Cat Girl Pirate
Sometimes cat girls manage to devour entire crews of pirates and then take over their ship. These cat girls then may decide to become cat girl pirates and go out plundering the seven seas for booty, fighting other pirate ships overseas, and devouring the crews of any other ships they may encounter with their newly acquired ship. Cat girl pirates usually have no idea what they’re doing and often become lost due to their inability to use a map and compass. However, when encountered, a cat girl pirate is oftentimes far more dangerous than an ordinary pirate. As far as piracy goes, cat girls go overboard with it and try way too hard to be pirates; it is very common for a cat girl pirate to blast cannons and lasers (all pirates have lasers) at everything in sight regardless of whether it is another pirate ship or just a large floating piece of debris left over from a rival ship she already plundered. No sea-worthy pirate would dare try to attack an cat girl pirate’s ship, especially since cat girl pirates are so cute, soft, and fluffy. Even the pirates who know not to try to attack a cat girl pirate usually don’t last long if they encounter one. While the unfortunate pirates are gawking over and running away from the cuteness of the cat girl, their ship is already getting blasted to splinters. Cat girls don’t usually get a lot of treasure from raiding other vessels because of this.
Although cat girl pirates are usually horrible at acquiring treasure from other vessels at sea, they have no trouble at all in plundering seaside villages and towns. The citizens of these ports are so awed by the cuteness of the cat girl in full pirate regalia that they hand out treasure to the cat girl like candy on Halloween. Most villagers aren’t adventurers and have no need to fear about the cat girl eating them. Cat girl pirates are mainly there for the treasure anyways. However, if the cat girl picks up a boyfriend or two whilst plundering, a little snack is always nice.
Siamese Cat Girl(s)
Siamese cat girls are always twins. Sometimes they can be Siamese twins, but this is rare. Siamese cat girls tend to be more mischievous than normal cat girls and are known for cleverly placing large bowls of spicy tapioca pudding so that somebody WILL fall face first into it. Siamese cat girls know how to meditate and can float more than two feet above the ground and shoot kamehamehas out of their hands without having to charge up to go Super Saiyan over a period of 5 episodes. Despite their ability to float and shoot kamehamehas, Siamese cat girls can’t go Super Saiyan. Thankfully, cat girls are only Siamese if you please. But then again, they can be Siamese if you don’t please.
Space Pirate Amazon Ninja Catgirls
Space Pirate Amazon Ninja Catgirls or SPANCs are the most dangerous sexy fighting force known to man. Capible of making an entire planet shout “But… wha… huh… but!” in utter confusion, these deadly fighting ladies will then steal everything nailed down and throw everything not nailed down back.
Weaknesses
If you ever encounter a cat girl, do the following:
* Throw a bucket of water at her. Cat girls aren’t as adorable when they’re wet with all their hair sticking out all funny. However, be warned that wet cat girls, like wet cats, smell terrible.
* Use a hairdryer on her. It’ll make her hair stick out all poofy causing her to float 2 feet off the ground.
* Step on her tail. She’ll make a funny yelping noise and run away.
* Take allergy medication.
* Call Confuse-a-Cat. The cat girl may need to be confused.
* Feed your buddy who’s dressed in a mouse suit to her while you run away.
* Use your pants. Pants have a variety of uses, including: clothing, flotation device, hair dryer, pocket-sized sandwich dispenser, long range explosive projectile, +5 battle axe, portable helicopter, bunny factory, and much more!
* In a pinch, towels can also serve the same purposes as pants.
* If you’re a guy, cosplay as a hot female anime character. This will probably humiliate you immensely and you’ll still fall victim to the cuteness of the cat girl, but at least she won’t eat you, having mistaken you for a female adventurer rather than a yummy male adventurer.
* If you’re a girl, hit on her. Cat girls hate lesbians and will become very confused and disturbed by your antics. Unless the cat girl is Canadian, then you’re fucked (literally).
* If you can, summon some kind of tentacle monster and then GTFO. As a cat girl is essentially an even cuter version of the magical girl, the tentacle monster should keep her busy for quite a while. Strangely, some varieties of cat girl and even some catboys are known to enjoy this. Even if they do, they’ll more than lose interest in you. After all, tentacles are a delicacy in Japan and smell of tasty fish. What? You thought this wasn’t about food?
* RAPE: If all else fails… Grab them and pull a Japan-esque rape. All Japanese females become completely vulnerable and lose the ability to fight back if you give them some unwanted dick. Works everytime.
* listen,I dont care how despret you are for a pet if you bring in a homeless kitten in a box she will change form and rape you while you sleep….and then eat you.
* Use hunting/fighting tactics discussed in the Zombie Survival Guide.
* When in doubt, chainsaw out.
* Use the big gun!
* Pet them! They usully feel laid when you do and start taking off there clothes like in any anime hentai make sure you get behind there ears- that’s their horny spot that renders them helpless to eat you or fight back.
* CATNIP see above.
* Meow Mix- that food fules ther hornyness enough time for you to excape.
* summon a foxgirl they usully hate nekos and will eat them before they eat you so gtfo before she does.
* Do a barrel roll.
* Finally, just always remember that these tactics are effective only against catgirls. If you ever see a catboy, then you’re just straight fucked. Both figuratively and literally speaking.
* If all else fails, then the only option left is to give them another cat girl to play with.
Natural Enemies of Cat Girls
* Chuck Norris, nuff said.
* Jackie Chan, more affective then the leading brand shown above.
* Michael Phelps, nuff said, he’s a water demon powered by weed.
* Ryu Hayabusa, he’s the ultimate Ninja, who else do you need to summon?
* Sub-Zero, He will appear, Freeze the cat girl, shatter the ice, causing the catgirl to die. If he is happy he will give you a snow cone.
* R. Lee Ermey, nuff said, not looking foward to 2 million push-ups today.
* There are a rare few people immune to the cuteness of the cat girl. Generally, these people are found in stuffy institutions such as law (not the kind like Phoenix Wright or Judge Judy, the boring one) and education (only once the students and poor salary drain their souls and crush their hopes into a singularity). Another, less mind-numbingly boring category (marginally) involves those who bring discussions of realistic physics into unrealistic settings, such as a zombie survival simulation. As an added defense, this has been known to provoke God, in a fit of pure boredom-alleviating sanity, to strike up to five cat girls dead per argument.
* Vikings are ALWAYS immune to cat girls, due to the fact that their terrifying aura overpowers the cuteness.
* Ninjas, Their pure awesomeness gives them invisablilty to the cuteness. For this same reason the cat girls hunt ninjas to no end. That and it is true about the soft and chewiness of ninjas. The deciding factor of cat girl vs. ninja battles are wheather which ones detects the other first. If the ninja detects the cat girl, he will siftly kill her with a suriken to the head, skin her and wear her head as a disguise for futher killing. If the cat girl were to sense the ninja, she would decend upon him, quickly devour him, use his sword to pick her teeth, and curl into a ball to await the next victim.
* Scorpion should be used as a weapon of last resort, and only if you TRULY want to kill the catgirl instead of just driving it away. Upon being summoned, Scorpion will challenge the catgirl to Mortal Kombat. Whether the catgirl accepts or tries to run away doesn’t matter; Scorpion will immediatly shoot out his rope-spear, drag the catgirl in, and uppercut off their head. Beware, there’s a chance he may turn against you as well for summoning him. Either that, or he’ll just give you an autograph ’cause he’s such a cool guy. Maybe not.
* Deadpool, though part kitten, is also half-grue, the Catgirl’s natural enemy. Deadpool is always happy to kill Catgirls, and might even decide not to kill you afterwards as a way of showing his appreciation. However, he may want to show you some of his celebrity impressions, so it might not be worth summoning him.
* Curiosity endangers the population by making cat girls blow themselves up. If a cat girl encounters a big red button, she must make a successful will save or be forced by curiosity to push the button. This is perhaps the most common cause of cat girl deaths.
* Mooses and cat girls don’t get along very well and often fight over territory. Such disputes often involve both parties charging up over the period of several 30-minute episodes until they finally reach Super Saiyan 50 million or something. Eventually they both just get tired from going all Super Saiyan and settle the fight over a drinking contest.
* Like most other monsters, a Grue can kill cat girls. If you encounter a cat girl, you may choose to unleash a Grue on them. However, a Grue will most likely kill you as well, making this a bad idea.
* Dokuro-Chan: if you should walk into a room with both Dokuro-Chan and a catgirl, STAY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND TAPE IT! Since Dokuro-chan is an angel, she can´t die. After killing the Catgirl she will kill you, but don´t worry. If you´re lucky, she’ll revive you:).
* Ewan. Actually, he is an unnatural enemy of cat girls. And everybody else for that matter. Contrary to popular belief, cat girls can – and sometimes do – eat Ewan, but as any who do instantly sprout ginger hair and begin to talk like a coward, they usually give him a wide berth. And anyway, he tastes foul.
* Lu Bu. Those things on his head look A LOT like cat toys, and cat girls love them.
* Hole-Spikers, a subspecies of Mosque, are considered to be natural predators of cat girls, both in the sexual and actual sense, and will violently attack (and tentacle rape) any cat girl on sight. Sadly, most cat girls die because of this and feel no pleasure whatsoever when this occurs.
* Transformers can kill catgirls, as they are robotic and are immune to cuteness. However, they can be killed by cat girls and used as scratching posts. Ironhide, Ratchet, and that truck guy had an encounter with a cat girl, and barely escaped. But Powerglide didn’t. But that’s OK, ‘cos nobody liked him anyways.
* Power Rangers are extremely dangerous to cat girls, due to the fact that they change their powers every two months, thus making them nigh invulnerable. Power Rangers, if eaten by cat girls, will cause the cat girls to flip out and get involved in various questionable acts, such as the consumption of Azumanga Daioh.
* Pie can kill a cat girl in seconds. For some strange reason, when a cat girl ever sees anything that looks like pie, it will pass out or die. Probably because they have seen red buttons that they wanted to push but were prevented from doing so.
* That guy with a machete who wears a hockey mask He just tries to be friends with people, and they always die. Same goes for cat girls too.
* That guy with a scarred face who has a clawed glove Sweet dreams, little pussycat!
* Billy Dee Williams No one can resist Billy Dee Williams. Works every time.
* Dr. Ivo Robotnik He rapes the shit out of them on a daily basis. Invulnerable to their cuteness, he just tells them to stop snooping as usual, or he’ll ride a wheel-barrow full of dicks straight up their asses.
* Ichigo kurosaki Has a grudge against cat girls because they called him a pervert anyone who calles me a pervert deserves to be killed.
* The Cat Girls one true enemy is, youve guessed it, THE DOG GIRLS. One the two ever fighting species encounter, god help us all.
Cat girl disease
A little known secret is that if one is to survive a Cat girl attack, they become cat girls themselves, weither they are male or female. The male turned cat girl becomes sexually active and rapes 5 year old men alive or dead.
Cat girl’s make-up
Cat girls have ears, whiskers, tails, and paws of a cat, sweet taste buds of a cow (Over 9000 buds), and everything else of a human.
Cat girls in history
* In AD 2101, although not a cat girl himself( he is just a cat), CATS, the leader of an army of cat girls from space, set up us the bomb. Also, he will give his famous speech that “all your base are belong to us!”
* IN AD 2006, cat girl advocate and pi mage Snerlin Avogadro, inspired by a fish’s protest to legalize tacos, began the LEGALIZE IT! movement in which he and a team of cat girls posted propaganda in random places in public displaying cat girls with picket signs protesting for the legalization of tacos.
* In AD 1337, Caturday became an official holiday celebrated by cats, cat girls, computer nerds, spammers and kittens alike!
* In AD 1162, German Prof. Blah Blahson, along with a team of cat girls invented the anime convention. Thankfully Prof. Blah Blahson was a stickman(which is a type of monster rather than an adventurer) so they didn’t eat them. However, the convention itself was pretty much a huge failure since the cat girls ate all the adventurers that came there(except the ones cosplaying as cat girls or hot female anime characters).
* In 500 B.C. an ancient tribe of cat girls defeated the mooses at the Battle of Sashimi Salad, and learned thus pillaged from them the secret recipe of making sticky rice and how to make a pirate ship entirely out of sushi. Using their new ship, they sailed off the coast of Bobland ( a small country off the coast of Mongolia) and discovered what is today Japan.
* During The Great Fur War a Vicious Male Cat girl hired by NSAMA to assassinate the Yiffs’ leader, Robin Williams.
* In UC 0083, the male cat girl/tart Anavel Gato/Gateaux stole a Gundam, nuked an asteroid base and died at the hands of a Earth Federation fleet. This is the only known case of a male catgirl in a robot being defeated.
* In the Invasion of Uncyclopedia, one managed to wound Jimbo Wales, but was killed when her factual accuracy was disputed.
* In State Day of Cycle 32455432, the Maximal Cheetor married Haru, a catgirl, forever cementing the union between Transformers and anime characters.
* In the Isle of Mann, the native cat girl species have short, stubby tails. This is becaue the locals are a bunch of barbarian scientologists who shoot off the ends of their tails on sight. To explain further, Tom Cruise is in fact the reincarnation of Tom the cat (of Tom and Jerry fame) who wishes to seek revenge on his fellow cat kind for abandoning him in his numerous times of need, when being outsmarted by a pesky mouse.
* on september 27 2009 it is revealed that a cat girl gave birth to the anti christ.
* when humans die out, Cat Girls (catamonolious femininionus) will thrive and take over our planet, because, obviously, we killed them off by their one true weakness. (drawing them into furry porn and hapilly playing with ourselves while doing so.)
Article donated by (stolen from) the uncyclopedia
